Catch & Release
by Divinia Serit
Summary: A series of oneshots expressing various emotions. Jane/Lisbon. Ch.3: What Hand Dare Seize the Fire "Pulling her to her feet, he wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace before leading her out of the restaurant. Neither of them could stop smiling"
1. Determined

A/N: Hello Everyone! Those of you who have read the latest update on my crossover know the story, but I wanted to share once more for those that don't read it. I apologize for being absent for so long! I was in a horrific car accident a few months ago, and my legs were pretty much destroyed. I've been in some major physical therapy, and I'm finally relearning to walk. (I can stand for about a minute now! Woohoo!) I really, really wanted to write, but just wasn't in the right frame of mind to put anything together. But, I think I'm finally feeling more like myself!

I'm pretty rusty, so I started this new series of one shots to help before I tackle more plot based fic! I stole the prompt list from Tromana's '50 Ways to Feel' who has a list of 50 emotions from the Fantasy Script Forum. I don't know if I'll do all 50, but I'll sure try!

A HUGE thank you to Tromana, LilSmiles, and Chibi for keeping me going through this intense times! Your MSN conversations, notes, and messages have really helped me stay positive. I don't know what I'd do without you ladies! This is, of course, dedicated to you! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

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><p>Title: Determined<br>Author: Divinia Serit  
>Rating: T (for language)<br>Disclaimer: Not mine! Although, thanks for bringing me such wonderful friends!  
>Prompt: 'Determined' and the Paint It Red January Challenge<p>

"**An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."**  
>- <em>Bill Vaughn<em>

_Thud._

_Thud._

"Good. Ten more times," Lucy said.

Lisbon picked up the weighted ball with a sigh. Eyeing her target, she began the catch and release process that helped re-strengthen her shoulder. She didn't mind the strength training exercises. Those were almost fun. It was the range of motion exercises that were excruciating. Those made her want to shoot someone.

She had forgotten how much it hurt.

Not the actual shot itself, although that did hurt like hell. But, what happened after.

The white-hot blinding pain was soothed to a dull ache with a bit of Dilaudid. Morphine and Percocet never seemed to have much of an effect on her. She hated the drugs. Sure, the pain relief was worth it, but she hated the way they made her feel. Confused. Apathetic. She just wanted to lie in bed and not do a single thing. Unfortunately, lying in bed without doing anything gave her too much time to think. Just when she'd relax enough to fall asleep, another nurse would push her way in with an apologetic smile for another vitals check. Lisbon swore they timed it purposely. Thankfully, that only lasted a few days. She wasn't sure she could have taken much more before snapping at someone. She hated losing control.

With her discharge, came a whole new set of problems. She was on desk duty which meant more paperwork and increased frustration. She loved being in the field. The movement alone was a huge outlet for her emotions. If she wanted a desk job, she'd have chosen a different career path. Like accounting: nothing was more noble than crunching numbers. She snorted. Not that she didn't have respect for people with other careers, hell, she always had to pull out a calculator for her expense reports. It's just that she was no more an accountant than Patrick Jane was a dentist.

The thought of Jane made her pause.

The weighted ball flying passed her head made her reconsider.

With a sheepish expression, she collected the ball and restarted her exercises. Throw the ball at the center of the trampoline, and catch when it bounced back. It was simple enough until they added the balancing exercises in with it. As she kept count in her head, her thoughts began to wander once more. Physical therapy wasn't horrible. She actually enjoyed it a majority of the time. It was nice to stretch her shoulder, and getting out of the house was a blessing. She found the company of the others in the office quite comforting, and the atmosphere was very encouraging. Everyone worked towards the shared goal of recovery. It also put injuries into perspective when she noticed people going through much more strenuous therapy practices than she had to do. It could have been much worse.

Putting the ball aside, she stood up and grabbed the large bucket by the wall. Walking back and forth, she frowned at the strain on her shoulder. Granted, she was showing progress, but it wasn't quick enough for her. Her team was a mess. Jane was in jail. And she wasn't in a position to fix any of it. She glanced beside her at the amazing progress made by a boy relearning to walk after a rock climbing accident. It could be worse. She could be dead. Jane could be dead. Hightower could be dead. All in all, it was a pretty successful case. If only Jane hadn't gone and shot an unarmed man.

She let out a soft gasp as Lucy applied pressure to her shoulder. Closing her eyes tightly, she counted to fifteen and the pressure released. She raised her arm for a few seconds before relaxing it back down. Stretching she tried to increase the degrees her arm would bend. Lucy pressed down once more. Lisbon's eyes watered and the process repeated for twenty minutes. Towards the end of her session, Lucy brought her an ice pack and a piece of chocolate. She smiled at the older woman. The last fifteen minutes were her favorite. It was rare that Lisbon had the chance to relax, but she always allowed herself the indulgence after therapy. Unwrapping the candy, she leaned back on the table as her should began to numb from the cold. She closed her eyes and let the chocolate melt in her mouth. Once again, thoughts of her wayward consultant refused to leave.

"You're frowning, sweetie. What's his name?"

Lucy's voice broke her concentration, and she opened her eyes to see the therapist standing beside her with an expectant look. Lisbon couldn't help but grin. The older woman naturally made you want to confess your deepest, darkest secrets with no fear of rebuttal.

"He's…," Lisbon paused as she tried to decide just how to explain Patrick Jane.

"He wouldn't be that handsome blonde that was all over television for murdering that despicable serial killer, now would he?"

Lisbon felt her face flush as her grin became pained.

"That would be him."

"Ahhh."

The two women sat in silence for a few minutes, before Lucy pointed to a teen girl throwing the same ball Lisbon held earlier. She studied Lisbon with a sharp eye.

"Sometimes, you have to release something before you can catch it again," Lucy said with a sage smile as she gently patted Lisbon's knee.

Grabbing the ice pack, she shot Lisbon one more glance before disappearing into the back room. Lisbon sat, thoughtfully watching the ball bounce back and forth. She felt a remarkable importance in this small moment. She could choose to give up and let everything pass by, or she could start over. Reassess her situation, and look forward to the opportunities and challenges in front of her. Gently massaging her shoulder, she picked up her wallet and headed towards the door. Her stride was determined once more.


	2. Cynical

Title: Fault  
>Author: Divinia Serit<br>Rating: T  
>Note: <strong>Spoiler for 4 x 15: War of the Roses<strong>  
>Prompt: Cynical (50 Ways to Feel)<p>

A:N: Yay updates! Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I'll respond to reviews tomorrow, I promise! I'm normally much better about that. Thanks for the encouragement and well wishes- it's really helping right now. This is just a short little oneshot from Lisbon's perspective after the episode. Jane really irked me in this one. I just felt bad for Lisbon. She needed a hug! And I can't sleep. Boo.

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><p>"<em>You did not think when you sent me to the brink. You desired my attentions, but denied my affections. So tell me now where was my fault; in loving you with my whole heart?"<br>-White Blank Page, Mumford & Sons_

Why is it that we're the most afraid of happiness?

Lavender bubble bath was one of the few feminine indulgences she allowed herself. There was something about the soothing scent that always calmed her racing mind and let her fully relax. Teresa Lisbon tested the water temperature with her hand before slipping beneath the foaming bubbles. A soft sigh escaped her lips as the water soothed her sore muscles. Sweeping her hair up, she reached for a clip to pin it off her neck. She had been unusually tense lately, and although she tried to deny it, she knew Erica Flynn played a large part in her irritation.

She was tired.

Tired of being manipulated.

Tired of being pulled in so many directions.

Tired of Wainwright giving Jane the benefit of the doubt.

She bit her lip as she tried to pinpoint the exact moment things began to change. Somewhere over the last few months, the dynamics in the office began to change and she felt like she could barely keep her head above water. Closing her eyes, she sank deeper into the tub. Her eyes didn't stay shut for long and she cursed the consultant who kept invading her thoughts. Her eyes wandered to the flickering candle on the edge of her tub. She took a deep breath and inhaled the minty scent, willing her mind to calm.

She jumped when her phone buzzed on the ledge beside her. Grumbling, she tried not to slosh too much water out as she fumbled for a towel to dry her hands. Grasping the offending object, she silenced it with a glare and a quick push of a button. She didn't want to talk to him right now. She leaned her head back against the wall and wished she had thought to pour a glass of wine. She could sure use it after the day she'd had.

She had felt like an idiot. Her cheeks flushed at the memory.

Jane's schemes were almost always outrageous, but normally they didn't make her look inept. He along with the help of Ms. Flynn made her look a step behind- the bumbling cop who couldn't find her way out of a paper bag. And to make matters worse, her boss had sanctioned the entire thing. She lifted a hand to her temple to relieve the pressure that had been building for hours.

She was angry.

Angry at Jane for being so enthralled by Erica.

Angry at herself for feeling this way.

Angry for being happy for the first time in a long time.

She didn't have a claim on him. He may be her consultant, but obviously she was a means to an end. Just a source of amusement for a bored man. The sooner she remembered that, the better off she would be. She had opened up too much since Jane had joined her team, and now she was remembering why she always stayed closed off. It wasn't worth it, and she was tired of looking like a fool.

Why is it that we're the most afraid of happiness?

Because once you have found happiness, there is a chance you will lose it. And if you do lose it, the pain you feel is even worse than the pain you felt before you had it at all. Love has a way of ripping you apart as much as holding you together.

Better to love and have lost than never loved?

Lies.


	3. Miserable

**A/N: Future Fic- established Jane/Lisbon**

I am on a writing roll! Woot! This week, Evergreen was updated and so was my 3rd SG1/Mentalist crossover which has been moved to the crossover section now. Okay…so this turned out much sadder than I anticipated. You might need some tissues along the way. I just didn't have a different ending in me. This situation did happen to a friend of mine recently, and I can't imagine what anyone in this situation goes through.

The title is a line from William Blake's _The Tyge_r.

Written for the Paint It Red March Challenge: Prompt- Surrender; 50 Ways to Feel: prompt -miserable

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><p><strong>What Hand Dare Seize the Fire<strong>

Sitting in her office chair, Teresa Lisbon deeply inhaled the spicy aroma of her coffee before taking a satisfying sip. Hazelnut with a hunt of chocolate, and it was her favorite. Their last case was closed hours ago, and she was almost finished with the accompanying paperwork. It was the type of case she loved. A simple twist that was easily solvable with minimized damage from her consultant. The rest of the day had been relatively uneventful, and she sent the others home hours ago. She felt oddly relaxed.

She smiled at the sound of approaching footsteps, looking up when Patrick Jane stuck his head in her door. His unruly blond curls were out of place, and she shook her head in mock disgust. Jane slowly sauntered in before perching at the edge of her desk, as she returned to her paperwork. He was content to watch her work, taking in every detail as if he had never watched her before- the way her teeth tugged at her bottom lip when she was deep in concentration, when she let out a huff that lifted her bangs in return, and especially the surprisingly feminine way she signed her name on the case file. He loved the things that made Lisbon, well Lisbon.

"Hi," she said in a soft murmur as she stacked the file in her outgoing mail box.

"Hi," he responded with a grin. She held his gaze, the corners of her lips quirking upward.

"How about we stop for seafood on the way home? We should celebrate Tuesday."

"Tuesday?" she responded, lifting her eyebrow in question.

"Why not?" Jane replied, his eyes twinkling.

Chuckling, she nodded her head in agreement while rummaging through her desk drawers to collect her belongings. Standing, Jane placed his hand on the small of her back as he escorted her out of her office, pausing briefly to lock the door. As they headed toward her car, she linked her hand with is and gave it a squeeze. In response, Jane pulled her closer to his side and wrapped his arm around her waist, briefly tickling the skin exposed from her shirt riding up. She swatted his hand away, and he pinned her against the car, knowing she could easily break free if she desired. Her eyes were shining as she looked up at him with a bemused expression, and he took the opportunity to steal a quick kiss before releasing her and heading to the passenger's side door.

"You're in a good mood," she said as they buckled up.

"It's nice to see you happy," he retorted as they pulled out of the parking lot.

A few hours later, she was rubbing her stomach and groaning at the amount of shrimp she decided to eat. By the looks of things, Jane was in the same predicament and they traded amused glances while he signaled for the check. Signing the bill, he looked up to see her bit her lip, a pensive look crossing her face. She looked unsure of herself which put him on a slight edge.

"Teresa?" he questioned softly.

"Patrick," she paused and looked at her hands. She paused, and he waited for her to gather her thoughts. "I want to have a baby."

Jane reached out and brushed his finger across her cheek. She looked up at him, and he could see the turmoil in her eyes.

"Then, we'll have a baby," he responded without hesitation.

"Really?" she said with a radiant smile. "I just thought it might be my biological clock ticking, or that you might not want-"

"You're babbling," he said as he cut her off with a grin. "Of course I want a child with you."

She blushed, a pretty pink coloring her cheeks. He laughed softly, and caressed her hand. Pulling her to her feet, he wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace before leading her out of the restaurant. Neither of them could stop smiling.

xxxxxx.

_3 Months Later_

"So is Lisbon going to retire?" Rigsby asked Jane as he patted the other man on the back.

"Nah. But she's giving up field work. She's going all administrative on us. The higher ups were talking about possibly moving her into an assistant director job anyways. God knows she has enough training."

Van Pelt beamed as she congratulated Jane with a hug. The team had been overjoyed at the news, and Jane predicted it wouldn't be long before the whole office knew, despite Lisbon wanted to keep it quiet a little while longer. He couldn't wait for her to get back to the office. She had dragged Cho off to an interview after promising him she'd let Cho take point. He knew she wouldn't do anything to endanger their child. He beamed. _Their child_. The past three weeks had been filled with glee, but he couldn't hold it in any longer. Not to people they considered family, and he knew Lisbon wouldn't mind.

"Have you talked to Minelli? I knew he and Lisbon were close," Van Pelt asked.

"I think Lisbon's going to call him later this week. We hadn't planned to tell anyone for a little while longer. She wanted to be sure before spreading the news."

Jane's phone rang, the sound echoing around the bullpen.

"Speak of the devil," he said with a grin before answering.

"_Jane. You need to get to the hospital right now." _

The urgency in Cho's voice made his heart lurch as he turned white, racing out of the door.

"Jane?" Rigsby and Van Pelt watched him in stunned silence.

_Oh God. Please no. Please let them be okay. Not this. Anything but this._

Cho met him at the door to her room, but he could see Lisbon sitting on the bed. He instantly knew, and his heart broke. She was pale, and looked more vulnerable than he had ever seen her. It was hard to match the broken woman with the strong Agent Lisbon he knew and loved.

Rigsby and Van Pelt had arrived by that time, staying back as Cho filled them in on the situation. The doctor entered the room and pulled him aside talking of cramping and distress after a collision with another person, and how it was relatively common after only seven weeks. There was no reason they couldn't try again in two months. But the only word ringing in Jane's ears was 'miscarriage'.

He pushed passed the doctor, and went to Lisbon's side. Kneeling in front of her, her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

_Oh sweetheart._

"I'm sorry," she whispered as a heart wrenching sob tore from her throat.

The others quietly slipped out giving the pair privacy. Jane quickly pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. Rocking her gently, he rubbed her back while she clung to him, her face buried in the side of his neck. He raised his hand and caressed her head, running his fingers gently through her hair as his own tears began to fall.

"I love you," he murmured into her hair.

xxxxxx.

It took four weeks to get Lisbon to smile.

The team had been subdued, and even Jane had stayed out of trouble. His only concern was Lisbon's well-being. By week six, things were starting to return back to normal. Conversations no longer stopped when either of them entered the room, and people had stopped treating Lisbon like she was going to break. Although, that last one took her blowing up at several unsuspecting do-gooders before it sunk in. Watching her throw herself back into work, Jane knew she'd be fine.

On a particularly sunny day, Lisbon looked different. She seemed happier. Lighter. When they got home from work, Lisbon ambushed him in the kitchen and slipped her hands under his shirt. His breath escaped in a hiss, as she grinned wickedly at him.

"Two months," was all she said before standing on her tiptoes and pressing her lips to his.

Jane chuckled and pulled her close. Suddenly he picked her up, causing her to let out an undignified shriek as he carried her to their bedroom.

xxxxxx.

They decided to keep it a secret.

As the ultrasound date approached, Lisbon grew more and more restless. Cho picked up on Lisbon's swirling emotions and pulled Jane aside to confirm what he already knew. Jane appreciated having someone else to look after her without her realizing it. The day passed with many cups of tea, until Lisbon eventually snapped at Jane for hovering.

Their fears were unfounded, and they were greeted by a beaming doctor who announced that it was a girl. They were ecstatic. The doctor continued to explain the next series of tests that could be ordered, and Lisbon quickly agreed. Jane just stared at the little heartbeat pulsating across the screen. They were having a baby!

"I'm so happy for you both!" Van Pelt said with a squeal as she bounced around the squad room.

Lisbon and Jane traded glances, and each wondered how long it would take for the rumor mill to take effect. Lisbon was already starting to show, and soon, it would be impossible to hide. She had already switched to desk duty which had raised a lot of eyebrows, so Jane didn't think it would take too long. Tuning back into the conversation, he realized Van Pelt was already talking about planning a baby shower and decorating the nursery. Lisbon looked slightly overwhelmed with the red head's exuberance. Jane just kissed her forehead.

"So have you thought of any names?" Cho asked while Van Pelt kept Lisbon's attention focused solely on decorating and shopping.

"I think we're going with Jenna Lynne Jane," Jane said with a smile.

Cho nodded his approval and the day continued.

xxxxxx.

The results came back unclear.

The doctor was grim as he discussed a possible anomaly in the blood work. He wasn't sure what it meant. Lisbon's age could be affecting the pregnancy, or it may be something else entirely. He suggested a wait-and-see attitude. After he left, the couple sat in silence.

"I'm sorry," Lisbon said softly, refusing to look at Jane.

"Don't apologize, Teresa. It's not your fault."

"But I can't give you what you want."

Her voice broke.

"We'll be okay. I still have you, and I will always love you."

Losing Jenna wasn't guaranteed, but it was a strong possibility.

"I just thought-"she paused, her voice wavering. "I thought things would be easier once Red John was gone. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"Shhh, darling," Jane whispered as she curled into his side. "We don't know anything for sure, and we can always try again-"

"No," Lisbon cut him off sharply. "I don't think I can do this again."

xxxxxx.

Lisbon had begun confiding in Van Pelt more often since the most recent results. The red head's enthusiasm was contagious most days, and she honestly believed that everything would turn out perfectly. Jane was just happy she hadn't shut herself off from the team.

"Why did I do this again?" Lisbon muttered with a tinge of fear. "I was happy with Jane. We had each other. I didn't need to have a baby."

"But you love him," Van Pelt said with no room for argument. "Besides, you two would make seriously gorgeous babies!"

Lisbon barked out a laugh as she rubbed her swollen stomach.

"I dream about her. How she has my eyes, but Jane's unruly curls."

"She'll have everyone wrapped around her finger," Van Pelt added with a grin. Lisbon rolled her eyes, accepting the possibility with a little bit of hope.

xxxxxx.

When they got the final news that Jenna would likely be stillborn, Jane fell apart first.

Lisbon had locked herself in her office with the blinds drawn, while Jane sat on the couch, put his face in his hands, and cried. Van Pelt held him, her heart breaking for Jane and her boss, wishing she could do something for the two people who deserved happiness the most.

Later, Cho picked the lock and Lisbon collapsed against him. Her stony exterior crumbling as her long-time best friend held her tighter.

xxxxxx.

Jenna Lynne Jane was born weeks later at 2:30pm in the afternoon.

There were tears of happiness and many tears of pain. Jane kept waiting for the little girl to draw a breath and wail. Surely, they had many more years to watch this precious girl grow up. They were supposed to take her home now and experience sleepless nights and newborn firsts.

The service was held the following day, and the support from the CBI was overwhelming.

Long after everyone else had left, the team stood near Jane as Lisbon leaned against him, two dark silhouettes on a beautiful day.

Jane was determined they would make it through this. They had the team and they had each other. This would not rip them apart.

Bowing his head, Lisbon pulled him closer and he surrendered to the tears.


End file.
